If you had a father or mother who didn’t set boundaries for themselves, he/she set the example that it’s ok to let people walk all over you. That it’s ok to do more than someone else and moreover, not be thanked for it. It causes you to let yourself be used and to think it’s the most normal thing in the world. You’ve observed that this is the way it’s done.

Not setting boundaries creates insecurity

It gave you a feeling of insecurity because you never knew what your father or mother was thinking. People who don’t set boundaries build a little volcano within themselves. They dislike what they have to do and this builds up a little bit each day until it becomes a volcano and erupts at the first person to get in their way. And that is often a child.

Parents who set boundaries

If your parents set clear boundaries while also giving you space, you were able to develop well. You knew what was expected of you, you didn’t experience volcanic outbursts and experienced a sense of security. You were able to build up your self-confidence because you were also able to trust your parents. You didn’t have to worry about what was going on inside of your parents, you didn’t have to be on guard, but you could focus on yourself and on your own development. You grew up as an emotionally stable child with a healthy feeling of self-worth.

Children with a label

Most parents have to figure it out by themselves. They raise their children in the same way they were raised by their parents. That’s why we can’t blame them! It’s nice when parents are open to change, can look at themselves and learn. When they can ask other people how they deal with things, read books, maybe take a course in raising children. Raising children is a profession in its own right!

If you have a child with a label, such as Autism, Asperger, ADD, ADHD or PDD-NOS, you’ll be directed in that direction because you have to become informed. You need to learn about what’s going on with your child. Children with a label “force” their parents to grow. It’s difficult but also very valuable. I’m always happy with these children and always have deep respect for their parents, who have to look at themselves and with ups and downs, go through a rapid development. It’s not easy. I salute them.
My wish is that all parents delve into raising children, set healthy boundaries and allow the child’s self-confidence to grow!

How do you do that, setting boundaries?

Learning to set boundaries is one thing. Communicating them to your children is another. What often helps is asking yourself what you wish to instill in your children. What is a fundamental basic value for you? Justice? Sharing fairly? Respect? Speaking in a loving way with each other? Positive thinking? Taking care of the house? Attention for each other? Right to be yourself? Respect for nature? You can communicate anything that is important to you. When something insignificant happens, you can express your important value. “Put your bag away, have love for your belongings.” Or, “Don’t let them get you down, you have a right to be here as well!” or, “Speak kindly to each other, peace on earth, please!” The important values will stick with them, when you keep repeating them!

Setting boundaries and the MIR-Method

With step 7: ‘Fulfill basic needs’, “setting boundaries” is one of the basic needs. If you missed this in your youth, the MIR-Method will help you supplement it now. It enables you to feel boundaries. You will notice that you don’t want something any more and will say, “Stop. To here and no further!” It causes you to prevent people from invading your space and to not tolerate other people’s behavior any more. You become clearer and more defined. You stop doing things that don’t give you energy. You realize that other people can also pitch in. You’re not the only one that can do that! In terms of energy, you don’t let others use you any more; you don’t let them waste your energy. In other words, you retain more energy and get the feeling that you are in control again. In control of your life. Because you are worth it; you are a worthwhile person!

Do you recognize this? Do you set more boundaries by doing the MIR-Method? Do you let people know what you don’t want any more? And what you do want? I’d love to hear about it! Please write about it below. Thank you!
You should always ask a MIR-Method coach about personal questions!

My wish for you is that you can be in control of your life!
Mireille Mettes

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P.S. Are you not yet familiar with the MIR-Method? Please go to the homepage: www.mirmethod.com.  You can watch the video there and also the instruction video. Register on the homepage to receive the newsletter and 6 weeks of coaching e-mails for extra support!